A friend of mine recently told me he was engaged. Since he’s never lived with a woman, I told him he’s going to need buy a few things that he hasn’t used before such as household cleaning supplies and furniture not made out of old milk crates.
After our conversation, I felt bad because I realized I had offered him no real insight into the mysteries of matrimonial union. So, in order to correct this oversight, I offer the following heretofore undisclosed observations to all young men contemplating walking the aisle.
Revelatory Marriage Fact No.1: Getting married is like getting a free memory upgrade. As a man, your hard drive was filled up long ago with important stuff like sports scores and movie trivia, but women, for some inexplicable reason, have tons of extra storage capacity that is yours for the asking.
As a married man, you may feel free to store stuff on her hard drive that think you might need later but don’t want to bother to remember yourself. “Wow, this is a great hamburger. Remind me to order this the next time we’re here.”
This is a tremendous resource that you will learn to thoroughly exploit. You will find yourself frequently asking her such questions as, “Honey, what’s the name of that song that I like?” or “What’re the names of those people that we’re friends with?” or “What’s my middle name?” The possibilities are as exciting as they are endless.
Wives are also frightfully good at remembering superfluous information like the names of your children and the dates of their births. All you will need to do is show up for your kid’s birthday party and act like you know what’s in the present he’s opening.
Revelatory Marriage Fact No. 2: When you get married, you will develop non-communication skills. God made women so they use about three times the number of words as a man in one day.
How is a guy supposed to interact with such a creature? In short, you’re not. Even attempting such a thing could almost instantaneously institutionalize you, or worse, turn you into a girl. Instead, you must develop the skill of tuning out your wife by converting the sound of her voice into white noise that you can easily ignore.
There is no way to instruct a young groom-to-be in this valuable art, but don’t worry, it will just happen. It’s a wondrous, mystical thing like falling in love, discovering a new kind of power tool, or getting a bite on your hook. You must relax and let it come to you. Rest assured, though, that one day you will be able to ignore your wife with the best of us.
When ignoring your wife, it is important to remember to evade detection by maintaining a semblance of conversation. Don’t try anything fancy at first or you’ll get busted for sure. Just a simple “hmm?” or “uh-huh” muttered occasionally will suffice. After a while you can graduate to “you don’t say” and “how about that.”
If she ever asks you, “What you mean by that?” know that you ventured too far and have officially blown your cover. You might as well start learning to “share your feelings” and “have conversations.” Shudder.
I recently read about a guy in Des Moines who started cutting coupons and getting manicures as a direct result of having conversations with his wife.
True story!
So, good luck all of you guys venturing forth info matrimonial waters. You’re in for some interesting times. Oh, and you might also want to purchase a clothes hamper. I think you will find you will no longer be able to use the kitchen table as a dirty clothes receptacle when you’re married.
Charles Marshall is a nationally known Christian comedian and author. Visit his Web site at www.charlesmarshallcomedy.com or contact him via e-mail at
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Editorial Cartoon
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Police Report
Thursday, 17 July 2008
ALAMO HEIGHTS
Bad excuse nets DWI
June 12, 1:30 a.m., 5500 block of Broadway: After a traffic stop, the officer noticed the driver smelled of alcohol and was slurring and mumbling her speech. Upon closer inspection, it was noted the vehicle was damaged on the passenger side and the airbag had deployed. When asked what happened, the driver responded that some man had taken her car and struck something. After failing a field sobriety test, the driver was arrested for driving while intoxicated. A plastic cup of wine was found in the car and the carpet was wet from spilled alcoholic beverages. The car was impounded.
Burglary of vehicle
June 18, 4:36 a.m., 300 block of Normandy: A homeowner reported his truck had been broken into during the night and a number of electronic items like a satellite radio, iPod, cell phone, laptop computer, and other items had been stolen. The truck was unlocked and in his driveway.
Thieves get cameras, watch collection
June 19, 5:48 p.m., 300 block of Redwood: A homeowner reported someone had come in through an unlocked back door and stole two digital cameras, an iPod, and a collection of watches. The reporting officer noted the side gate leading into the backyard had been pried open, and once inside, the thief had rifled through numerous drawers. The thief had attempted to steal a DVD player, but left it behind. Fingerprints were lifted from a soda can the thief had apparently helped himself to while committing the crime.
Who has the money?
June 19, 1:06 p.m., 4600 block of Broadway: The general manager of a restaurant called police when he found that the day’s receipts had not been deposited in the bank, as the assistant manager was supposed to do two days earlier. Before she left on vacation, the assistant manager had said she deposited the money, but didn’t get a receipt.
Criminal trespass
June 21, 2:04 p.m., 4800 block of Broadway: A store manager reported that a person had been detained for shoplifting a bottle of headache medicine. The manger didn’t want to press charges, but did want the person to get a criminal trespass warning.
Family fight goes over the top
June 25, 12:40 a.m., 100 block of Harrigan: Officers responded to a fight after a couple began to have a fight in the apartment and other friends and family members tried to break it up. The man had become belligerent and d making threats. When his wife tied to calm him, he attacked his wife, trying to strangle her and hit her head into the ground. After separating them, the husband began fighting other people in the apartment, injuring several people, which led to the police being called. After order was restored, the husband was arrested for assault causing bodily injury/family violence, assault causing bodily injury/non-family member, and evading arrest and detention. He was also charged with resisting arrest search or transport as he fought with four patrol officers trying to load him into a police car. During the scuffle, the husband was also Taser’ed. Even after transport to the police station, the man was very belligerent, at one point even urinating on the patrol room floor while in his cell. He was transported downtown for booking into jail.
TERRELL HILLS
Nuisance in the alley
June 22, 10:02 a.m., 700 block of Rittiman: A homeowner reported that unknown persons had been drinking beer and relieving themselves in the alleyway behind his residence, and had observed, on numerous occasion over three years, empty beer cans and what appeared to be human waste in the alley. He called to alert police of the problem and that he was concerned these people might try to rob his house.
Calendar - July 17
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Today
Concerts Under the Stars
The San Antonio Botanical Garden hosts the annual series of Concerts Under the Stars every third Thursday of the month this summer. Dance to the sounds of old school R&B and Motown hits by the band Wilbert Beasley and Body & Soul, with gates opening at 6 p.m., and the performance going from 7 to 9 p.m. Admission to the Concerts is $5. Botanical Society members enjoy free admission. Concert-goers may bring lawn chairs and blankets but no outside food and drink. Picnic foods and beverages, including wine, beer, water and soft drinks will be available for purchase. The San Antonio Botanical Garden is located at 555 Funston at North New Braunfels Avenue with free parking. Check the Web site at www.sabot.org for more information.
Friday
Northern Irish choir sings in San Antonio
The Glengormley Methodist Church Choir from Northern Ireland will perform in two free exclusive singing visits in San Antonio. The first performance is at 7 p.m. July 18 at the University Presbyterian Church at 300 Bushnell. The next event is at 9:30 and 11 a.m. July 20 at the, Coker United Methodist Church, 231 East North Loop Road. The 70-member choir from Newtownabbey, County Antrim, Northern Ireland paid their own way to the United States for this tour and will stay in homes of church members. The choir performs at more than 70 bookings per year throughout Ireland.
Saturday
‘Break Point’ at Borders
Jon Harris will discuss and sign copies of “Break Point” at 3 p.m. at Borders Books at The Quarry Market. The book is about an ordinary man overcoming adverse odds during the Cold War.
Karate tourney
The A.O.K. Amateur Karate Tournament will be held from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. at the Live Oak Civic Center, 8101 Pat Booker Road. Competition is in various age categories. Refreshments will be available. Admission is $8.
Birding class
The Mitchell Lake Audubon Center, located at 10750 Pleasanton Road, will host a free beginning birding class for all ages from 9 to 11 a.m. Saturday. Audubon Texas conservation director Dr. Andrew Kasner will lead the tour, which has free admission. RSVP is required, however. For details, e-mail
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Tuesday
Poetry at the Twig
Robert Bonazzi will lead a poetry reading at 5 p.m. at The Twig Book Shop, 5005 Broadway.
Wednesday
Twig book reading
San Antonio poet Carmen Tafolla's fiction appears for the first time in book form in “The Holy Tortilla and a Pot of Beans” at 5:30 p.m. at The Twig. The book reading and signing will include refreshments.
Live country music
Cavender Chevrolet 2008 Live Music Series at The County Line is held every Wednesday from 6 to 10 p.m. at County Line Bar-B-Q, I-10 West between Wurzbach and Huebner roads. No Justice will be the featured performer. Attendees are asked to make a monetary or food donation to benefit the San Antonio Food Bank.
Aug. 3
Focus on the environment
Texas Public Radio, in collaboration with the San Antonio Library, the San Antonio Library Foundation, and the Southwest School of Art & Craft kicks off its yearly “Focus on the Environment” with Chris Jordan’s acclaimed photographic exhibit, Running the Numbers:An American Self Portrait. The series, to be displayed through Aug. 29 at the Central Library, 600 Soledad, and at the Southwest School’s Navarro Campus, 1201 Navarro at Augusta, casts light on the staggering levels of massconsumption in America. Jordan will also give a free lecture Aug. 6 at Municipal Auditorium, at 100 Auditorium Circle, at 7 p.m.
Aug. 8
San Pedro Springs Gallery grand opening
The San Pedro Springs Gallery hosts an official grand opening celebration from 6 to 10 p.m. at 1012 North Flores, directly across from Green Vegetarian restaurant. Parking is available behind the gallery or at Baggett Claims next door. San Pedro Springs Gallery is housed in the historic 1883 Charles Ochse House on the site of the original 1738 San Pedro Acequia that supplied the San Fernando settlement with its water. During the grand opening event, the gallery will showcase owner, Michael Hyatt's, clay pottery and jewelry.
Sept. 26
Learn to go green
The 9th Annual Renewable Energy Roundup & Green Living Fair takes place Sept. 26 to 28 at market Square in Fredericksburg. It features a number companies offering renewable energy and green living choices including demos, workshops, national speakers, live music, kid’s learning activities, healthy cooking demos, organic food café and a mini film festival. Tickets are $10 Friday or Sunday and $12 Saturday, and the three-day pass is $20. Children under 12 are free. Find the details at www.TheRoundup.org
Alamo Heights set for about-face on fluoride
Thursday, 17 July 2008
By Tony Cantú Contributing Writer
Four years after approving the idea of inserting fluoride into its locally owned municipal water system, Alamo Heights is preparing to repeal that decision next month, city officials said.
Alamo Heights City Council member Bill Kiel said he plans to vote against the measure, which he said is tentatively scheduled for the Aug. 25 meeting. Opposition to fluoride insertion – an expensive proposition requiring at least $150,000 just in start-up costs for specialized equipment – has grown while the city hammers out its latest budget, Kiel said.
“When they finally got around to looking at how much it would cost, it was $150,000 just to get the equipment and $10,000 a year – which is now probably closer to $20,000 a year – to administer it,” Kiel said, referring to the prior approval. “I’m the instigator on this, and I’m prepared for it.”
Kiel said the city would frame its opposition to fluoride as an economic argument, partly to avoid the more emotional aspects of debate on the potentially polarizing issue. He pointed to the acrimonious debate that occurred when San Antonio officials voted to put fluoride in their water, suggesting Alamo Heights would prefer to avoid that scenario.
Beyond the cost of the measure, Kiel said he has become an opponent of fluoridated water after done his own research on the matter.
“There are serious risks as far as how you dose it,” he said. “The real benefit comes from topical application of fluoride like from toothpaste rather than a systemic application,” he said, the latter referring to ingestion.
Kiel said his views came into greater focus after reading the book “Fluoride Deception,” which helps debunk purported benefits of fluoride in water systems. “It’s a fascinating story,” he said.
While the science behind the issue is compelling enough as an argument against fluoride insertion, the financial angle is just as effective as impetus to repeal the move, Kiel said.
Assuming 10 percent of the local population – largely an affluent community, but with some lower-income segments – has inadequate access to dental care, the total amounts to 700 people, Kiel said. From that group just 50 to 100 would be in the 11- to 12-year-old age group seen as being the group that most benefits from fluoride, given that their teeth are still forming.
“At that cost, we could afford to take them all to the dentist,” Kiel said, referring to the resulting high per-capita cost that would benefit such a few given the high cost of implementing a fluoride program.
As a member of the City Council four years ago, Mayor Louis Cooper voted to approve putting water in the local water system. Had he to do it over, he said he would have a different view of the matter today.
“Four years later, I would vote against it,” Cooper said in a telephone interview. “I’ve just read a lot that has personally swayed my opinion.”
But he echoed Kiel’s preference of framing the argument against fluoride as an economics issue: “Because of the benefits of fluoride to such a small portion of the population, we’re looking to see if it’s a worthwhile expense. It’s really economics more than anything.”
Donald Starkweather, arguably the city’s most visible opponent of fluoride in the water – he’s lectured council on the topic and passes out anti-fluoride literature to any takers – said he was happy to see the city’s reversal on its previous decision.
“I don’t want it, and I feel it’s not good for your health,” he said. “You can get overdoses of it in your system and there are all kinds of reasons to not have it. There’s a lot of expense of putting it into your water system.”
Living in the same Alamo Heights home his parents moved to in 1940, Starkweather said he wants the water to stay the same. In the past, the septuagenarian has resorted to personal visual aids in convincing city officials not to alter the water with fluoride.
“I smiled and showed them my teeth and told them I’m doing pretty well without it,” he said. “They know my feelings on it.”
Turning 75 on Aug. 17, Starkweather said a vote against fluoride the week after when the matter is tentatively scheduled would be a welcome development: “I think it would be a wonderful birthday present if that happens.”