Courtney Burkholder

In light of the recent campus massacre at Virginia Tech, I feel compelled to address an issue I have wrestled with in our home this past week, and more accurately, over the past several years. What do we tell our children when tragedy and violence strikes in this world? And how much is too much?

As parents, we want to protect our children from the ugliness that taints so much of the world today. A child’s innocence is precious; we want to protect it as long as we can. But it’s getting more and more difficult to avoid altogether. Children see the violence on television. They hear about it at school, see it on the front page of the newspaper. They overhear grown-ups talking about it in hushed tones. Since 9-11, “terrorism” has become a household word along with murder, kidnap, and violence.

So what do we tell our children when the largest mass murder in the history of the United States occurs? Or when another suicide bombing in Iraq kills 40 American soldiers? Or when a child is kidnapped walking home from school? When do we teach them words like pedophile, jihad, homicide, and insurgent? These are tough questions, and none of us want to make a mistake.

Mom: It’s so important to listen to your children. Children need to talk about what is on their minds, otherwise, they internalize it. When bad things happen, children have a way of blaming themselves so it’s important to reassure them that everything will be okay. Tell them that these occurrences are rare, and that they don’t happen every day. Explain to them that someone who was very, very sick was responsible. Be careful never to teach hatred or racial discrimination. Really monitor what they see and hear.

Mimi: Be careful not to scare them with too many details, but I do think we must be honest. They need the knowledge for safety’s sake. Say as little as possible, but give them the facts. It’s so hard to play down a tragedy, but bad things can prey on a child’s mind. It’s very difficult for kids to understand tragic things, and they will get to thinking about it too much. Keep the television off when they are in the room as much as possible.

Me: To me, it’s important that my husband and I share important information with our children. So much of what they hear from their peers at school is inaccurate, exaggerated, or minimized. And although I wish there were a magic age for sharing difficult information with a child, all children are different. We must take into account their emotional maturity and sensitivity as well. Keep your explanation simple and use vocabulary that they will understand. Most important, reassure your child that they are safe and well protected.

Teaching children about the dangers in this world and safety precautions are hugely important – that’s another article entirely – but we don’t want our children growing up in fear that any minute their school will be bombed or an assassin will walk through the door and start shooting. As children get older, more information is appropriate. Best advice: listen to them, reassure them, and love them.