We just got back from our first childless vacation in 10 years, and I discovered I have no idea how to vacation without children.

In fact, I think I spent a good 60 percent of the time attempting to mother other people’s children. It was as if I were traveling in a wildly foreign country and as soon as I saw a small child it was as if I had encountered an American embassy person.

As soon as the toddler came within range I dropped down to a crouch and began engaging in my usual toddler conversation: “Hi? Where you going? Aren’t those cool balloons?”

All of this was somewhat alarming to the other adults in the group.

I think I am going to need some sort of re-introduction program before I take our next vacation. I can imagine the workshops taught by veterans of the kid/no-kid transition who can help me make my way seamlessly to a world where hardly anyone crouches or talks in an unnaturally high sing-song voice.

Here are a few workshops I’d sign up for:

Dining 101. Learn how to eat your food first, without cutting, applying ketchup or removing peas from your dining partner’s plate. By the end of your class you won’t order a straw and a lid for everyone at the table!

Lose the extra suitcase. Pack without those five extra shirts for anticipated soda spills and ketchup kisses.

Hands down. Learn how you can keep your hands safely in your lap and not fling them across the chest of the nearest passenger when the car, airport shuttle bus or taxi comes to a sudden stop.

Grown up talk. Memorize our list of 20 adult conversation starters that have nothing to do with cartoon characters, elementary school, soccer or animal noises.

Music for those taller than 5 feet. Get a crash course on music and groups that don’t appeal to small children. By the end of this workshop you’ll learn not to hum the theme from any Disney movie or Hannah Montana CD.

I think it’s possible, with an intense prep course, some short training runs to area restaurants and an outing to an adult themed evening. I could be ready for our next child-free vacation.

Somehow I suspect I’ll need another 10 years to prepare.