By Winter D. Prosapio

We never grow up. I learned this (again) a month ago.

I was at a meeting with adults (at least they looked like adults) where there was a great deal of angst over cupcakes.

Cupcakes had been prepared for the individuals in the room who had either a birthday or a work anniversary. This meant that most of the room was going to sit there and watch the privileged few eat fluffy sugar cylinders.

It was torture.

That’s when I realized that we simply don’t grow up – at least not enough to be beyond the power of cupcakes. In fact, it’s very possible that many of life’s day-to-day problems could be addressed, in a small way, by the liberal use of cupcakes.

Consider the early conditioning to the cupcake. The mere mention of a cupcake can not only rivet my kids attention like a live appearance of Santa Claus, but it can even make them do the impossible – be quiet while I’m on the phone. It’s tantamount to discovering the mute button on the TV.

Cupcakes can also solve nearly every tense negotiation. “I’ll give you a cupcake if you let your sister pick the movie tonight.”

They are also effective as a transitioning tool: “OK, time to put away the mermaid outfit and go to the doctor for those vaccinations – and look, I’ve got cupcakes for the car ride!”

Cupcakes can even inspire the eating of actual food: “Eat your broccoli and there’ll be a cupcake on your plate…”

As we sat around the boardroom table at the meeting, I realized I could have taken over the room if I had just a few more cupcakes. The conditioning we all received as children was well in place and was there, begging to be tapped into. Everyone was five again.

I began to wonder if we could create broad bi-partisan support of everything from health care to taxes if there were a few more cupcakes in the halls of Congress.

Granted, many things are beyond the power of a cupcake: gas prices, tax appraisals, and most things having to do with plumbing. And there are the dental bills to contend with. Still, I think with a little careful planning and frequent brushing, we could take over the country with only a few cavities.

Where are my oven mitts?