Dr. James Dobson

DR. DOBSON: You’re right about the difficulties you face. Begging won’t accomplish anything, and your husband will be dead before he admits he has a problem. Indeed, thousands die each year while denying that they are alcoholics.

That’s why Al-Anon teaches family members how to confront in love. They learn how to remove the support systems that prop up the disease and permit it to thrive. They are shown how and when to impose ultimatums that force the alcoholic to admit his or her need for help. And sometimes, they recommend separation until the victim is so miserable that his denial will no longer hold up. In essence, Al-Anon teaches its own version of the “tough love” philosophy to family members who must implement it.

I asked Bob, a recovered alcoholic, if he was forced to attend Alcoholics Anonymous — the program that put him on the road to recovery. He said: “Let me put it this way. No one goes to AA just because they’ve nothing better to do that evening. Everyone there has been forced to attend initially. You don’t just say, ‘On Monday night we watched a football game and on Tuesday we went to the movies. So what will we do on Wednesday? How about going over to an AA meeting?’ It doesn’t work that way. Yes, I was forced — forced by my own misery. My wife, Pauline, allowed me to be miserable for my own good. It was loving duress that moved me to attend.”

Though it may sound easy to achieve, the loving confrontation that brought Bob to his senses was a delicate maneuver. I must re-emphasize that families should not attempt to implement it on their own initiative. Without the training and assistance of professional support groups, the encounter could degenerate into a hateful, vindictive, name-calling battle that would serve only to solidify the drinker’s position.

Al-Anon Family Groups and Alcoholics Anonymous are both listed in local phone books. Also to be found there is a number for the Council on Alcoholism, which can provide further guidance. For teenagers with alcoholic parents, there is Alateen. Teens can go there and share without their parents’ permission or knowledge, and it’s free.

Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO. 80903; or www.family.org.